Complicated Grief

I spoke
about you
today
and someone
is going to
help you
go away
you
my love
will be free
no longer welling
up inside of me
I am coming back
to the cemetery
I’m so excited
to be able to sit
so close to you again
Oh darling
I eternally love you
I can’t wait to come
and tell you
and thank you
for loving me
unconditionally
properly
but now I need
to come to terms
not with your death
but the abuse of
being forbidden
to grieve for you
when you died
in 1992
And so it is my time
and there is nobody
to stop me from
processing all
that eternal and
true love
I always had for you
that was suddenly
devastated and
with nowhere to go
If you had lived
I would have moved on
from what we had
because you would
have been
living your life
and maybe
what happened
to us both
after we broke up
was my punishment
for letting go
of that once in
a lifetime connection
that we had
and so now
someone is going
to ease my pain
I’m going to
let you go
God only knows
how hard I am
going to cry
at last

Shunt

I try and take
a sympathetic manner
before I form an
honest opinion
about who you are
because I don’t know
your scars
your bruises
or heard excuses
the why’s
the wherefores
insecurities causes
and therefores
I try to see a good side
but I can’t help
thinking
the thought won’t shunt
that you’re just
another toxic
judgemental cunt

Fragrance

Every day is sweet
sweeter
neater my mind
I find
without you
my aura is brighter
my heart always feels lighter
I’m fragranced with living

Jacqueline

My name is Jacqueline

It is spelled

J A C Q U E L I N E

It is on my birth certificate

that ten letter name that

my parents chose for me

and so I have to question

why people will never acknowledge or call me

by my name

I am not Jackie

I am not Jacqui

I am not Jack

I am not Jacs

I am not Jac

I am not smelly

I am not fleabag

I am not a spastic

or fucking retarded

I am not stupid

I am far from it

I am not useless

but I have been used

I am not a bitch or

a fucking bitch and

I am not a jumped up slag

nor I am a stupid cunt

although as a woman

I have got one.

My name is Jacqueline

It is spelled

J A C Q U E L I N E

It is on my birth certificate

that ten letter name that

my parents chose for me

and so I have to question

why people are too lazy

to vocalise a three syllable name

and shame my name for

being too long

I am called Jackie

I am called Jacqui

I am calledJack

I am called Jacs

I am called Jac

I have been called smelly

I have been called fleabag

I have been called a spastic

and a fucking retard

I have been called stupid

yet I am far from it

I have been called useless

but I have been used

I have been called a bitch

a fucking bitch and

a jumped up slag

I have been called a stupid cunt

and as a woman

I have got one.

If you were born from mine

after nine months gestation

then you can call me mum

My name is Jacqueline

It is spelled

J A C Q U E L I N E

It is on my birth certificate

that ten letter name that

my parents chose for me

and so I have to question

why people will never acknowledge or call me

by my name

I did not give

my permission

to other people

to call me anything

else other than my name

other than one or two

people that actually

were polite enough

and had the decency

to ask if they could

shorten my name

but they all still do

it because they assume

and take it for granted

that it’s ok

because a ten letter name

of three syllables

is too long to roll off

their disrespectful

thoughtless tongues

My name is Jacqueline

It is spelled

J A C Q U E L I N E

It is on my birth certificate

that ten letter name that

my parents chose for me

and so I have to question

why people will never acknowledge or call me

by my name

I am not called Jackie

My name is Jacqueline

I am not called Jacqui

My name is Jacqueline

I am not called Jack

My name is Jacqueline

I am not called Jacs

My name is Jacqueline

I am not called Jac

My name is Jacqueline

I am not crazy

or mentally unstable

for wanting to be respected

and called by my actual name

I am just

reclaiming

me

Me I am Jacqueline

it’s on my birth certificate

I am not what you

or who you want

to call me

I am me

simply

Jacqueline

Spelled

J A C Q U E L I N E

Stress

Maybe it’s the duress

of the constant pressure

the intimidating

collision and friction

that makes the mother quake

her tectonic plates shake

the tree branches tremble

post traumatic gales howl

storm tears and tsunami

waves crushing her whole

her soul that life passion

incinerated in

the fire hell damnation

forests burning and she

always polluted by

the violence and abuse

of men keeps on turning

up for living because

it is in her nature

evolving resolving

to be strong each sunset

and dawn time and dirt worn

she goes on revolving

anxious and scared somehow